


keeping time (or at least im learning how to)

by silkbonnet



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Kelly Olsen is my fave, alex is in there too, all the kellys, baby kelly, college kelly, sorta a character study maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21639157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkbonnet/pseuds/silkbonnet
Summary: her hand is sweaty and warm and you don't want to let go.OR/ some defining moments in kelly olsen's life.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen
Comments: 16
Kudos: 37





	keeping time (or at least im learning how to)

**Author's Note:**

> this will time jump a lot and alex is definitely in it, it's just, kelly centric for a bit.

-

It's recess and you are playing tag even though it's really cold and you secretly think you're too old for it. Tiana had insisted and you always give in, especially when she smiles and at you, all nice and wide and _pretty_. Tiana's really pretty, you think. You want to look just like her. She holds your hand as you run together from the boys, who had begged to be allowed to play and you didn't really want them to but Tiana likes Marc and he asked so she said yes.

It doesn't matter because you're having fun, like real fun, as you hide behind the portables. You're squished together because Tiana is a lot taller than you and she's still holding your hand even though she doesn't have to anymore.

Her hand is sweaty and warm and you don't want to let go so you pretend to forget even though your heart is thump, thump, thumping in your chest and you can see the snowflakes on her eye lashes and you-

"Tag!"

Marc has found you but he leaned over, tagged Tiana instead and she rips her hand from yours, pretends to be all offended by him but you can tell she's really happy because she's smiling that extra pretty smile, the one she mostly uses for you.

Tiana is your best friend and you are happy for her because she's liked Marc since forever and but you also feel weird. There's a hard feeling in your stomach, like you've swallowed a stone and you have to look away from her and Marc, joking and laughing now as they walk further and further away from you. It feels like when you found out your brother got more allowance than you (because he's 'older') but more serious and you're not sure what it is.

Maybe you're jealous but that doesn't feel right because you don't even like Marc. He's nice enough but he talks too much during silent reading and always thinks he knows best and honestly you dont even _get_ why Tiana likes him.

You don't like anyone. Not yet, but you're only 11 and your older cousin Nia says that she didn't like anyone until she was 13 and she didn't have her first kiss until she was 14 so you think you have time.

You don't worry about it, not really. You've got Tiana and Aliyah and Lisa. You have sleepovers and sometimes your mom takes you all to the mall and even though she follows you around it's still fun and you always get to have ice cream, after.

Tiana stops walking, calls out, "Kelly, hurry up!" and you rush to join them.

Music class is boring because you have a sub and your teacher left music sheets for you but you finish yours early. Tiana is still talking with Marc and you don't mind but you wanted to ask her to come over and listen to the new TLC cd with you. Nia leant it to you and even though you have to hide it because your mom thinks that kind of music is too grown, you're willing to risk it for Tiana. It's just what best friends do.

Only Tiana doesn't come over when you gesture to her, not even when you wave really hard. She just gives you a look and you're not sure what it means but then she nods at Marc and you get it. There will be no hang out later.

Your stomach hurts and you don't know why.

\--

Tiana starts dating Marc and they spend all their time together and you hate it. He calls her 'T' and she giggles all silly and high and she never wants to do anything with you anymore.

You hate Marc. 

You still have the bracelet Tiana gave you for your birthday the one that says 'BFFs 4 LIFE' in purple rhinestones and you still wear yours but sometimes, Tiana forgets hers at home.

It's not a big deal and you're not a _baby_. You know that sometimes friends grow apart and Nia says this is normal but you got your period last week and you wanted to tell Tiana because you're the last one in your group to get it but Marc was there and he wouldn't go away even when you told Tiana it was private.

He just laughed and then Tiana laughed and you felt like punching something hut you didn't. You just folded your fingers into fists and stormed away. 

Tiana hadn't even had lunch with you then, it was just you Lisa, and Aliyah. They're your friends too but they're closer and even though Lisa invites you to her sleepover this weekend you don't want to go.

* * *

You don't really talk to Tiana anymore. She is dating Jon now and even though he's nicer than Marc she still spends all her time with him. Which, like, fine. Whatever. You don't even notice, not really.

You're friends with the new girl, Marie because she likes the same stuff as you and doesn't think it's nerdy that you read so much and and her mom is really strict too but she makes you steamed buns when you come over.

Ms. Liu used to be a doctor but now she is taking a break from work to have a baby, Marie says. She hates it but you think her mom is nice.

You hang out with Marie a lot. It's you Lisa and Aliyah and Marie but mostly just you and Marie. Sometimes you go to the mall and your mom still doesn't let you go alone but Marie always knows how to sneak away and you get in trouble but it's worth it. Marie has wavy black hair and long, long eyelashes and calls you 'kellykellykelly', all at once, all the time and you like her, a lot because she is hilarious and dresses like a cartoon character. Her mom lets her pick out her outfits and sometimes Marie wears stuff from the olden days like the 70's but she always makes it look cool.

You're not best friends with anyone but it doesn't matter.

-

You're 12 and your mom finally lets you get long box braids, like past your shoulders and you even added beads to the ends. They snap together when you walk and Jason P. tells you you look pretty in gym which makes no sense because you're all sweaty and gross but Marie tells you it's a sign then looks kind of sad and you don't know why.

You don't ask her what it's a sign of because sometimes Marie talks like an adult, like you're already supposed to know what she means and you don't like letting on that you don't.

You know Jason likes you and you're supposed to like him back or be flattered and pleased because he's the tallest and nicest boy in 7th grade and everyone, even some 8th graders think he's cute but you only feel annoyed.

You tell Marie this and she gives you a strange look, rolls her eyes and then says you'll talk more at her sleepover.

Class ends quickly and you see Jason walking toward you so you run to the change room and lock yourself in a stall. You don't know why, but the thought of you together with Jason or any guy makes your stomach hurt. You're probably getting sick.

After school you and Marie walk to hers and she wraps her hands around your shoulders, convinces you to sing 'all i want for christmas is you' even though christmas ended a month ago. You sing anyway, because Marie only sings when you sing and her voice is really pretty. Eveything about Marie is really pretty and you wish for a quick second that Marie, and not Jason liked you.

You push Marie away and shake your head because that is a crazy thought and you know what they call girls who like girls and your auntie told you once, that people in your family don't 'do that stuff over here' once, when she picked you up from school and saw Gen's moms holding hands.

Besides, it's not like you want to hold hands with Marie in _that_ way. You just don't want to hold hands with Jason. Or any boy. It's confusing and your stomach hurts and now your head too.

Marie notices, looks worried, tries to hold your hand and you push her away, hard. She stumbles, gives you a hurt look and runs into her house. You run after her because you don't have best friends anymore but Marie is really great and you don't want her to stop being your friend. You say a quick 'hi' to Ms. Liu, stop to take off your shoes and then run up the stairs to Marie's room.

She's laying on her bed, facing the ceiling and you take off your bag and jacket and lay next to her.

"Sorry," you whisper quiet and low.

"What's wrong?" Marie asks, after a minute of silence. She's turned towards you and this close you can see her freckles.

You touch them before you think and Marie doesn't move away just wiggles her nose and you both burst out into laughter. You move your hand away, not sure why you did that and Marie doesn't mention it.

When you have to go to bed you sleep, facing each other like usual but Marie holds your hand and you don't mention that either.

-

Marie says, "I can't do this anymore," and you say:  
  


You say:  
  


You say:  
  


You are 14 and you have been friends with Marie for almost three years now.

You've just started highschool and even though you and Marie don't go to the same school you hang out almost every night and watch My So Called Life and Moesha and you sleepover and go to dances at her school and she comes to dances at yours and she knows all your friends and they know that Marie is your best friend.

Only your best friend has just told you that she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

"I'm not... Kelly I'm not ga- I don't like you, Kelly not like that." Marie says, whispers.

She hops off your bed, closes the door even though it's just you two in your house.

"Look I know we've been.... I just-" Marie sighs, sits in your bed next to you, wraps her hands around her legs. "I gave you the wrong impression okay, that stuff it was just fun right? I-I'm not. Fuck. I'm not like _you_."

It stings, because Marie has this look on her face, says ' _not like you_ ' with this look, like you're this disgusting, sick thing and you know that you and her haven't been acting like friends, exactly, know that friends don't sleep tangled up together and friends don't kiss and friends don't write friends names in the back of their math note books with hearts.

You know this.

But Marie had seemed okay with it when you told her last month that you weren't sure you liked boys. She had nodded, whispered how maybe her either and kissed you, quick and hard in your room. You'd had to separate when your brother came in, but you couldn't stop smiling the entire time even after, when you'd been called down for dinner.

But things had changed, too, and you had been trying to ignore it bevause Marie Liu is the best friend you've ever had.

Even if she started mentioning boys and going on dates after you told her and even if she makes you sleep in the sleeping back lately, it wasn't a big deal. You were Marie and Kelly. Friends forever. 

Marie is up, packing her bag, saying something about a meeting and how she has to leave and how she can't come over tomorrow either and you have never liked a boy but you liked Marie.

You are 14, will be 15 in 5 months and you have never liked a boy but you like your bestfriend, love your best friend and even though your cousin Nia says you dont know shit about love and you roll your eyes everytime she tries to talk to you about boys, you know _this_.

You love Marie.

And you're not stupid, you didn't think she was like you, not really, but you'd hoped.

Only now you feel crazy and Marie is looking at you with a blank face, hisses, "please don't tell anyone about us, _please_ , my mother would hate me."

So you nod. You nod and watch Marie storm out of your room for maybe the last time ever and you don't cry then or the next day but you start going directly from home from school and you stop showing up to debate and quit reading because who needs to read, who needs anything like adventure and fantasy and dreams when your world has fallen apart. 

You don't really care about anything anymore and you can't talk to anyone about it because even though your mom has never said it, you go to church and the church says it. The bible says it and you don't really believe in god, you don't think, but your mom does and you love your mom and you don't want to disappoint her, couldn't face it if she hated you, too.

James notices something and he tries, a little, to talk but he is leaving for college in less than a year and you're not that close so you don't say anything to him, either.

You're spiraling and your grades are slipping because you feel like you are this completely different person at home and at school and in your head and you can't keep them straight.

One night Nia invites you to see Set It Off and your mom says yes before you've even finished asking, gives you 30 dollars and tells you to have fun. You know you've been moping and all your friends are sick of you but it's been a month and Marie still won't talk to you.

You tried to go over to her house but Ms. Liu told you that Marie was sick and she wouldn't look at you so you don't go over there anymore.

Set It Off of is great but there are some scenes with Queen Latifah (who looks hot playing Cleo, you think) and a girl and they kiss and it's obvious that they're together. Those are the scenes you pretend to look away from, the scenes when your cousin gets real quiet.

It's just the two of you and after, she drives you to her apartment in the city. You're eating cinema jellybeans and going over your homework for the week (yes, you brought it with you, you're really starting to fall behind) when Nia pokes you.

You try to ignore it but she won't stop.

"Okay, shit what?" you say with a laugh.

"Did you like the movie?" she asks and there's...something in her voice but you're too distracted to really focus on it too much.

"I guess. Cleo was hot, Queen Latifah killed it," you say, without thinking.

It's too silent and you realize what you've said, and you rush to save yourself.

"I mean, they all did. Duh."

Nia only nods then turns on the TV and you think maybe you're good but then she mutes it and moves closer.

"Kelly," she says and her voice is serious, too serious and you think that maybe you should have gone home or not gone out at all because Nia is your favourite cousin and if she hates you then you don't know what you'll do.

"Kay, I wanna ask you something and look, you can tell me to fuck off and I will but..."she takes a deep breath and doesn't continue.

You're not sure what to say so you sit, like a statue and wait.

"But what," you finally whisper, when the silence becomes too much.

"Are you.. do you.. doyoulikegirls?" she asks all in a rush and she looks so scared that it makes you scared and you start to cry a little, even as you nod.

"Yes," you tell her and as scared as you are you are relieved too, because you have been holding this in for longer than you would care to admit have kept this part of yourself to yourself for since you can remember and it's exhausting.

Nia is staring at you and for a second you think she's going to kick you out but she only sighs then tackles you into a hug.

You're surprised and the tears come, for real now. You're ruining her Yale sweater and you know she loves you because it was her dads and she never lets anyone mess with it but you're crying all over it, soaking it with tears and she's just letting you.

"Shh, shh, oh Kelly. Oh, little cousin, shh, it's okay."

And as shitty as it's been lately, it really does feel okay. You are still crying and you want to throw up, a bit because you've just said out loud for the first time that you're... that you like girls.

You're not ready for that other word not, sure you'll ever be ready but now you're not in it alone.

Nia calms you down then makes both of you chamomile tea and you drink it, gratefully, even though you think it tastes like grass water. You stay up, talk and talk and after she calls your mom asks if you can stay the whole weekend. Your mom agrees and you can't stop hugging Nia because she is _amazing_ and you have no one else in the world that knows this about you.

You tell her everything, from Tiana (who you definitely had a crush on) to Marie to the other brief crushes you had growing up. She asks lots of questions (no you never liked a guy, ever, yes, you're sure) and makes you laugh and before you know it you're falling asleep on her couch.

She tosses you a pillow and a blanket, says you'll talk more tomorrow and you go to bed feeling confused and something just this side of happy.

You don't have a best friend but you are not alone.  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> pulled from my own and my friends experiences. also, when little me would get fresh braids with the beads??? no one could tell me shit lmao
> 
> also,
> 
> i love kelly. that is all.


End file.
